Tuesday, October 29, 2013

I'll Take Freddy Krueger Any Day; Just Don't Make Me Ride a Horse.

YU-U-UCK!!!!!!!!! Just look at that nasty thing.
           Halloween is on Thursday. It is not a holiday that I really like much, but I do enjoy the leftover chocolate. And I’m REALLY going to enjoy dressing up my pets this year, as a cow and a pumpkin. Normally it would be the one day of the year when I watch a scary movie with my friend Beth. I don’t really like those either. Last year we watched the original Friday the 13th. Honestly, I loved it! Beth told me when to cover my eyes, and the music was wicked. The thing that I can’t handle is the graphic SOUNDS in movies these days. The ones that go along with the cutting and the squishing and whatever else gross they decide to put in the movie. I don’t find it scary, just gross. I have some really strange things that I’m afraid of. There aren’t many, but this seemed like an appropriate time to publish my greatest fears to the world – it’s not like that Barbas guy from Charmed is real.
1.     Horses. Yes, I am afraid of horses. They are scary monstrous beasts. I would rather hang out with a hippo or a polar bear. Neither one of those would bite your hand while it tries to feed them corn kernels. They also wouldn’t throw you on the pavement because they got spooked by a boomerang. They would probably find some other way to do away with you involving strong jaws or claws that would be faster and fatal, leaving no haunting memories.
2.     Brown recluse spiders. They freak me the hell out! Just the thought of them makes me shiver. I don’t mind spiders in general. I think they’re great. They kill other bugs and that’s awesome because it means I don’t have to, thus helping to maintain my gentle nature. Those recluses though, I first heard about them when I moved to Indiana. I lived in fear that one would just appear in my apartment and it would bite me in my sleep and I would die. Did I see one there? No. I DID, however, have one on my couch here in Massachusetts a few months back. Yes, I know they don’t live here – it must have traveled on a truck in a box or something. I had to wake my mom up to kill it. She was so pissed off she sucked it up with the vacuum cleaner.
3.     A world without Rhode Island. Despite what you may hear from some pompous ass at a wedding, Rhode Island is an awesome state. Plus, three of my favorite people in the whole world live in Rhode Island.

4.     Having my head chopped in half like a cantaloupe. I realize this is an unlikely scenario, but it was a recurring dream I had as a child. These kids would cut my head in half (left and right) with a meat cleaver, but I’d still be alive. They weren’t very nice children.
5.     Having to live without running water. I’m sorry – I need toilets and showers and sinks. Camping would be a REAL stretch for me.
6.     Running out of chocolate. It’s happened a few times, but usually I’m in a situation where I can get in the car or walk to go buy more. I mean REALLY running. Out. Of. Chocolate. Couldn’t ever eat it again…. I think I would prefer being killed in a typhoon.
7.     Being stuck in the Czech Republic. I haven’t been to Prague, but I have been in Brno. It is not for me. They speak a weird language I can’t understand. They don’t know that Open 24 Hours makes way more sense that putting a sign in the window that says NonStop. And the only things that are abundant there (at least that I saw through my scared little eyes) are porn stores and shitty Chinese food – both of which are “Nonstop.” Oh, their trains don’t smell so hot either.
I guess I forgot about the places to gamble…. STILL. Don't
leave me there. Ever.
8.     Partial Differential Equations. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, consider yourself blessed.
9.     Having a spinal tap – done by a new doctor. I’ve had needles stuck in my spine before – twice. Both were epidural steroid injections between the L4 and L5 vertebrae. The first was done by a new resident. It took about twice as long as it should have (they put it in the wrong place and had to take it out and try again) and it was REALLY painful. “You’re just going to feel a little pressure.” It was all I could do to not scream all the expletives I have ever heard. Second one – Director of Musculoskeletal Imaging and Intervention at MGH (that was a mouthful). No pain, very fast. So spinal tap? Aspiration? Resident? NO, THANK YOU.

10. Sarah Palin becoming the president. Of anything.
Now THAT'S scary. 

What about you???

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

World's Going To Hell - Handbasket Not Included

Hey, take me with you!
    I’m really getting sick of people. Not ALL people. The irritating ones. The rude ones. The ignorant ones. The people who don’t understand that the earth revolves around the sun and not them. EVERYWHERE you go these people are lurking. They drive on the highway – cutting you off, tailgating you, driving in front of you 20 miles under the speed limit while they talk on the phone or text. They spit propaganda like garbage at you – reasons why anyone who disagrees with them is wrong, being sure to include slogan like phrases they’ve seen or could put in an image on Facebook. They look up and say “Huh?” after you’ve tried to address them or speak to them because your presence in the room or at the table is inconsequential to their existence. They strategically grunt, whine, and whimper when they’re completing an action in the presence of others, just to make sure you know that they’re not happy about what they’re doing. I’ve had it.
            When did people become so egocentric? I fear it is a largely wealthy world driven characteristic, meaning I’m pretty sure it’s not like this in the Congo. Perhaps there you have a survival instinct instead. A better example would be Cuba. It’s been a while since I’ve been there, but I distinctly remember watching younger people and men step off the sidewalk so older woman would not have to walk in the road. People would look you in the eye when you spoke to them, and listen to what you had to say, because all opinions are worth something and that’s how cultures grow. Cuba has more doctors per capita than any other nation (Henry J Kaiser Family Foundation), not to mention the near 100% literacy rate since as far back as 1985 (that’s as far back as the UNESCO chart goes). Intelligence is a duty and something worth striving for.
            People have completely forgotten how to communicate, and they don’t even seem to be aware of it. If they are aware of it, they must just not care. It used to be that people knew that the important thing in life was the difference you made in people’s lives while you were around and the good things that you did (not for the sake of doing good things). Now the trend is to post pictures and articles on Facebook about how those are the important things in life, BUT I DON’T ACTUALLY SEE PEOPLE ACTING ON THAT. It’s the age-old truth that actions speak louder than words. If someone matters to you, you show him or her, rather than ignoring them the whole way through a meal or falling asleep while they sit there wondering if you’re suffering from an illness or just insufferably rude.
            If you want to make a difference in a life, DO it. CALL your friend who you haven’t heard from in a while and might be worried about. Go visit someone who’s having a bad day. Bake some cookies for your neighbor, just because people like to eat cookies. 
            Whether or not you’re a Bible reader, I’ll share with you an anecdote (that is not the least bit preachy). Revelations was always my favorite section of the Bible – that says something odd about me I’m sure since it is the book detailing the Apocalypse. I never understood though, if you were going to take it at face value, why the number of “saved” Christians that would go to Heaven was so small. Just 144,000. As a child, I knew that was a lot of people if you were going to be in a crowd, but definitely not enough given all the supposed Christians there were wandering the Earth. Except when I look at that number now, it makes a lot more sense, and THAT is the real tragedy. People are really horrible to each other. It’s not just the bombs and the shotguns and the suicide bombers. If you want to look at it from a truly grim perspective, at least THOSE people are being honest. It’s the people who look at you and pretend they care that are the worst. They lie to your face everyday. Some of them are so involved with themselves, they don’t even know that they’re lying. They don’t understand the “being the better friend” syndrome – where their friends put in all the effort and get nothing in return, until they realize that there are some people out there who are more worth their efforts and move on.
            If you don’t agree with someone, you’re an idiot. If you try to have a meeting of the minds instead of giving in, you’re an extortionist. There is no more dialogue. There is little respect for others. And, communication is a memory now that people can’t go a minute and a half without looking at their smartphones (which, ironically, make people really dumb). Anyone who is still holding on to the old ways sticks out like a sore thumb, looking lost, uncomfortable, and sad. I don’t want to be part of a world like this. And I’m smart enough to know there is nothing I can do to fix it. 

Friday, October 18, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: The Olsen Twins Make Me Sad

            I find it very difficult to take the Olsen Twins seriously when it comes to talk of fashion designers and icons. It’s not because they played a somewhat annoying character on Full House. And, it’s not because I saw New York Minute in the movie theatre (don’t judge me). I’ve also watched many (all?) of their other movies. I particularly enjoyed When In Rome and How The West Was Fun. It might have something to do with the fact that they think people would pay near $17000 for an ugly fur backpack.
            They look like ALIENS (theme of the week). Well, I guess that isn’t really their fault. Except it IS their fault because they don’t eat food. The only way you can get that sunken cheek look is from not eating or having your back teeth removed. Either way, I would disapprove. Even that isn’t my biggest  issue with these oddballs. It’s because they think that anyone would want to wear looks like this. (These are all from The Row - their joint fashion line).
How many textures can we put in one
outfit? Let's really mix it up by mis-matching
the length of the two sides of the jacket!

I'm sorry, these are pajamas. And what
in God's name is on her feet?!
So, Fall 2013 is a bust. Maybe it get's better with Resort wear.
Nothing says cruise like wrapping
your lower body in burlap.
Wait, this is RESORT wear. Why
is she wearing a fur vest? Maybe
she's going on an Alaskan cruise.
OKAY, I've figured it out. They're
designing their 'RESORT' wear for
some sort of SisterWife cruise. Ain't
nobody wearin' a bikini under that. 

Spring 2014 is not any better. I almost feel like there should be a caption contest. 
I don't know what this is. Is she going
on a safari? Did she fall in really
ferrous dirt? Is this a halloween
costume meant to look like a cinnamon
This might be the most full body
coverage mumu I've ever seen. It
even has a matching baseball hat.

 – Image courtesy gettyimages.com
But then there's this.....1. Mary Kate, dear, it's called a hem. You can get one at a tailor. Don't drag your clothes on the ground. 2. What IS that?! She's wearing a fur accent bathrobe?
3. PLEASE, wash your hair. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Aliens Among Us

UFO photo taken from The Best UFO
Pictures Ever Taken
A few weeks back I was approached by the man standing in front of me at the post office. He took out his phone, opened the pictures, and held it up so it was right in my vision. “I saw a UFO. Look! Can you see that spot there? That wasn’t there when I looked to take the picture.” Sure enough there was a bright orb-like spot in his picture that didn’t seem to have a good explanation. He countered my thoughts as he showed me the next frame, “It’s not lens flare. See?” The next picture highlighted something that most likely was flare of some kind, but looked a little bit like an umbrella opened on its side. “See? It’s getting ready to take off or something. It’s going somewhere!” I smiled and tried to be encouraging. “It’s neat, huh? All the guys at work really liked it.” I thought it was probable that the guys at work were making fun of him, but I hoped not. And maybe he really DID photograph a UFO.
            People like this talk to me a lot. I think part of it is that I’m not walking around with my face in my phone. So, those looking for a friendly ear have a pretty good chance with me. They may also sense that I’m just a few prescriptions away from being their roommate on the funny farm. And perhaps my recognition of that fact allows me to not mind talking to these people. When I think about it, we might actually be the normal ones. 
            Have you noticed that a lot of women and men these days have a strangely feline facial structure? Or faces that don’t seem to move when they speak or laugh? I don’t know what’s inside their head, but based on what they electively did to their faces, I’m guessing not much. It’s one thing if you’ve been in a horrible accident and need to have your face reconstructed. Then there are the boobs that do not move when the body is exercising. Maybe the boobs that move are more expensive. It’s just so odd. It’s hard to tell exactly how many of these procedures were voluntary since by nature all plastic surgery is considered elective. According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery 2012 Statistics, there were almost 5 million “Injectable” treatments in 2012 – mostly Botox. That’s a lot more than the actual surgeries – there were only about 120,000 facelifts (though that doesn't include those who got chin augmentation, lip augmentation, or cheek lifts). This number, however, doesn’t include all of the other people who have already been “lifted” or may have even had their lifts start to sag.
from Squidoo
            I realize some people don’t want to age. Some manage to get a little “work done” without turning into something that looks like the air conditioning broke at Madame Tussaud’s. These repeat offenders though – they DO look like aliens. I DARE you to Google Jocelyn Wildenstein (don't put any consumables in your mouth before you click that). Carrot Top looks pretty odd these days, but that’s not really a change. It’s just a NEW kind of odd. Pete Burns is another fun one to Google. I mean, what the hell is wrong with that dude? It looks like he went in and said “Hey Doc, can you make me look like the ugly love child of Cher and Shannen Doherty?” So maybe these are extreme cases, but they are indicative of a real problem.
            If aliens really DID come to Earth, what would they say? What would they think? What if they got the strange idea that our faces and bodies were malleable like Play-Doh and started hurting us? Everyone wants to play with Play-Doh. People shaped Play-Doh, wouldn’t that be so much more fun? So, maybe I’m a little nuts, but I do NOT look like an alien. Or like I’m made of some sort of putty. Hey Post Office UFO guy, you and me? We’re okay!