Tuesday, February 26, 2013


Not afraid of a little weather. Safe to say
I was the only one walking through the
multiple feet of snow on the bike trail.
I was NOT the only one at Dunkin' Donuts.

         There are oh so many things going on in the world to choose from this week. My favorite former senator is making up new countries (Kyrzakhstan – do you think Hillary’s replacement meant Kyrgyzstan or Kazakhstan? WHAT A DUMBASS!), the nations wealthiest egotists are giving themselves their annual award of faceless golden anatomically ambiguous statuettes on pedestals for best pretenders, said “artists” are celebrating MUSIC IN HOLLYWOOD while having the orchestra for the live event IN A DIFFERENT BUILDING (Oh don’t even get me started on that…), and most exciting of all and the topic I have decided to settle on: It’s SNOWING in WINTER.
            YES, CAN you BELIEVE it? It is SNOWING in WINTER. I know I was in shock when the meteorologists let me know that it was going to snow. I practically fell off the couch. I thought about writing them a hand engraved letter to personally thank them for interrupting my regularly scheduled programming to alert me that frozen precipitation would most likely fall out of the sky and accumulate on the ground. I don’t know what I would have done without the warning.
            That really used to piss me off as a child. We had a fair amount of snow days during my youth. The primary reason for this was not that my town couldn’t handle snow removal or ice removal, but because my town was too cheap to pay for bus service for the kids who lived within a half mile of the schools. Those kids had to walk to school. Road clearing was not so much an issue – sidewalk clearing, on the other hand, if they’re not budgeting for buses you can be sure they’re not budgeting for sidewalk shovelers. Rather than risk having the “walkers” break their necks on the way to school, we’d get the day off. I loved snow days. Hate school, love a snow day. It meant I got to stay home and watch my favorite daytime television shows. In elementary school those consisted of Tele Francais – a French language show with a talking pineapple, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, Emergency, and The Price Is Right. (Aside from the French language show, I was watching the same shows as middle-aged housewives. Reason would dictate that when my programming was interrupted by the damned meteorologists, I also got as pissed as a middle-aged housewife).
            What is the purpose of interrupting the television programming to tell people it is snowing? Most people have windows in their homes. I don’t want to watch snow fall on other people’s lawns. And I don’t find watching sand trucks and plows particularly interesting. Why is it NEWSWORTHY every time there is a snowstorm in New England in the wintertime? It snows here pretty much every winter! It has since I was a child. I’m sure it did before I was alive. And I imagine it will continue to for quite some time. Interrupt my programming when beer bottles start raining from the sky. Tell me something I don’t already know. 
            The other truly mystifying behavior is people’s need to “stock up” on grocery store items for storms. Thought No. 1: If you lose power in a big snowstorm – your refrigerator will STOP refrigerating. Just let your noodle swim in that soup for a bit. Thought No. 2: When was the last time you remember being trapped in your house in a snowstorm for more than, oh, twelve hours? YEAH, I thought so. Do you mean to tell me that in those twelve hours you may need to ingest multiple loaves of bread, an entire bunch of bananas, and a gallon of milk? I have NEWS for you. ACTUAL news. If you do, in fact, consume all of those foods in those twelve hours, you will not need all of the multiple bushels of toilet paper you also purchased with all of those foods you stocked up on because you will be so constipated you may not shit for a week. That’s right.
            So – SNOW. It’s winter in New England. It’s winter in the northern hemisphere! And it snows here. It snows in the Midwest. It snows in Colorado. It snows in the mountains. It snows in Russia. It snows in the Arctic. Wake me up when it’s spring.

Friday, February 22, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: Dressing For the Dogs

Pepto-pink for all occasions

           Now I know the reason that anyone watches the Westminster Dog Show is for those adorable, happy, furry friends, and certainly not for fashion. With that in mind, is there some sort of Dog Handler Ugly Suit store out there?! These people have clearly spent a pretty penny on their outfits for this event. The judges are dressed to the nines in their gowns and tuxes. If you are going to spend that much money on an outfit for a nationally televised event, you would think that the idea would be to not detract from the dog.
Even that dog sees those knees and thinks HAMBONE!
            I’m noticing a LOT of shorter than knee length pencil skirts. Since the dogs are close to the ground, this means we’re seeing a lot of ladies old knees, and calf muscles, and the dreaded cankles. I bet they didn’t think about that (DUH, doghandler ladies, DUH!). I have a dog. Clovis could never go to Westminster as he is half Labrador, half Golden. Those snotty show people are such mutt bigots. Anyway… I know from taking Clovis outside for walks and playtime that his 110 pound self can be a bit difficult to handle, and that’s not running. I can tell you for a fact that if I tried to run or prance with my dog while wearing a pencil skirt, I would land face first in the lawn and Clovis would take himself on a grand adventure.
Pencil skirts look GREAT when you push
your bum out at people's faces like that, don't they?
My mutt, Clovis
            I’m not saying these women need to wear pants suits (although that would be wise), but how about something that flares a little, or comes below the knee (so I don’t have to look at them), or actually allows you to move your legs? While I’m tearing apart the doghandler women and their poor taste, I must also say that I also do not understand the matching brightly colored skirt and jacket. If you want to be all one color, why not wear a dress? 
           If you’re going to the trouble of wearing two pieces, don’t match them. It’s like matching twinsets. And matching velveteen jogging suits. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Do You Work With Someone Who Moves Slower Than A Goldfish In An Icecube?

I always smile and look at the sky when I carry
heavy shit. Don't you? YAY, WORK!
           Working is great. I love working. I love practicing my instrument. I love writing. Well, actually – I hate writing, but I love that I can do it by myself. I believe the biggest problem I have with work is when I have to do it at a workplace, with other people, but who DOESN’T have that problem. As musicians, we get a bit spoiled with the amount of time we’re expected to actually collaborate with others. Rehearsals and concerts are generally not longer than two to three hours, as opposed to your usual eight or nine hour work day.
            They attempt to prepare you for a real world work environment by giving you “group projects” in school. Those would be the ones where one kid thinks he knows how to do everything (but doesn’t) and tries to guide the project. Then there are the kids who don’t have any idea what’s going on and drool drips out their mouths while they listen to the kid who thinks he knows what’s going on as he has arguments with the nerdy hardworking kid who doesn’t want to fail the project and hates group projects even more than he hates the letter F. Inevitably the one kid who knows what’s going on does the entire project, builds up enormous amounts of resentment towards the other kids for letting him do all the work, enormous amounts of resentment towards the obnoxious kid who thinks he knows everything and will take all the credit, and enormous amounts of resentment towards the teacher for assigning the group project in the first place. I think this aligns fairly well with your average work environment. You have your know-it-all(s) who do nothing and pretend they're busy, your slow people who don’t get anything done, your bosses, and the people who get stuck doing all the work and cleaning up the messes.
            I find it really interesting how many different interpretations there are of the word “work” at work. I generally find that when I go to “work” I assume I am supposed to be “working,” as in not reading my personal email, not looking at porn, not on Facebook, not going for meandering walks around the building, not on the phone with my Great Aunt Hilda’s dog psychiatrist, and not hanging out in the bathroom. I was surprised when I learned that this was not a universally agreed upon thought. There are also several different speeds for getting things done at work. While a rational person might think the most desirable speed for completing a task would be as fast as efficiently possible, that rational person might be wrong! Other speeds for accomplishing tasks I have encountered in the work force are slow, constipated whale shit, stop, and dead grandma. And then there’s this really odd interpretation of who owns company property. I used to think that things bought for your store or company, such as office supplies, toilet paper, and Creamer for the coffee were for the office and taking them home would be the equivalent of stealing product. I didn’t know that I was wrong about that too. At least the majority opinion seems to imply that I’m wrong about that.
            On the Internet I found a definition of the word “work” to be, “Be engaged in physical or mental activity in order to achieve a purpose or result.” I Googled it. I suppose if you use that definition, the "purpose or result" could encompass quite a wide variety of goals. So really, all your coworkers have to do to actually be doing “work” at your job to fulfill this definition is killing brain cells…..

Friday, February 15, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: What Are You Hiding Under There?

           My head is pounding. AGAIN. So I really only have a very simple thought for you today. We get dressed from the inside out. Don't forget to start with yourself. Plain and simply, if you are a bigot, or you discriminate against people for any reason, are disrespectful or unkind to people you have decided are beneath you, are rude, lie, cheat, steal, intentionally harm others, or manage to find other ways to get yourself into the group of people that may be termed as assholes, asshats, douchebags, dipshits, sons o bitches, racist pigs, self-centered jackasses, megalomaniacs, et al. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WEAR OR HOW EXPENSIVE YOUR CLOTHES WERE.  YOU'RE STILL GOING TO LOOK UGLY.

No one ever said "Man that POL POT, he was STYLIN'!"
or "Where can I get me some of those Kim Jong Il spectacles?!"

Dear Boy Scouts of America, no one is going to think that you are extra handy at starting fires if you continue to squash little boys who may one day wish to become flaming themselves. Your uniforms are looking pretty ugly right now too.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I KNOW I Could Write Better TV Shows Than Fox

Oh Pacey Witter, you were
such a likeable character. Yes, it helped
that you were in the Mighty Ducks movies.

           Once upon a time, I was watching television. That should probably read “Many upon multiple times.” Anyways, it was a new show and one of the characters had been on Dawson’s Creek so, obviously, I was going to watch it. Love for Pacey lasts a lifetime. It turned out that I came to the conclusion that Pacey had made a horrible decision, most likely under duress or because of massive gambling debts, and was now being held hostage by a contract that required him to be in one of the worst television shows of all time. The show was called “Fringe.”
            I don’t know what happened in the universe, but somehow this asstastic piece of television turned out to be a hit and remained on the air for several seasons. I didn’t watch it. I have noticed that the Fox Network seems to really be into ONE WORD titles for their television series. I watch their one show “Bones.” It’s about an awkward intelligent character I can relate to. It stars David Boreanaz. And, it’s funny. Win, win. I’ve also noticed they have another show on called “Touch.” This I have not watched because it looks really bad. Mostly, the problem is that it stars Jack Bauer of 24 (yet another one word, well – number, Fox drama). Kiefer Sutherland character-acted himself out of the business. He can’t do anything else. Jack Bauer with a mute child. Sounds riveting – no, it doesn’t.
Is it because I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer that
I will never tire of David Boreanaz? Does that make
me old? Or just wise?
            I thought perhaps I could come up with some more ideas for Fox for future one word titled television dramas.
   1.     CHEW – A series chronicling the emotional drama of an overweight foodie suffering from TMJ. The character would deal with the actual pain caused by using his jaw while eating while also having to suffer the spiteful glances of angry politicos wondering if they will be paying for his healthcare when he has a heart attack. (It’s FOX – there has to be something controversial).
   2.     SAND – A group of college students in Reno for a 24 hour long bachelor party, after getting lost, while wasted, at the tail end of their adventure discover what they think to be an alien buried in the desert. Convinced that they’ve learned something they shouldn’t have, these college students begin to lose their minds, thinking the government is after them….. Or is it just the toxic mold spores they inhaled when exhuming the remains of the dead “creature” while inebriated?
   3.     STINK – A FASCINATING glimpse into the hierarchy of a mob operated trash-collecting company. Watch as these angry criminals try and convince the world that global warming is a lie to prevent the “Reuse, Recycle” trend from destroying their way of life.
   4.     SALINE – A salt shortage leaves the fake-boobed women of America without replacements for their aging implants, and aspiring-to-be-D-cup ladies without the ability to enhance. The psychological strain is too much for one group of housewives from New Jersey who go running off to the Congo for a cheap solution, unknowingly bringing back a slow acting airborne Ebola strain with their new knockers. The CDC must act fast or everyone dies! (okay, maybe that’s more likely to show up on FX)
   5.     REAL – A reality show about the making of a reality show.
   6.     SQUIRREL – A lifetime hunter becomes vegan when he discovers Buddha and decides his dead wife has reincarnated in the red squirrel that visits his bird feeder. He learns to meditate in an attempt to communicate with the squirrel he believes to be his dead wife and becomes overwrought with grief because he is attracted to not only the squirrel but also to the yoga teacher who has become his meditation guide.

Friday, February 8, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!:When It's Snowing, Think Penguins

            First of all, WHAT in the name of all that is holy is THAT? Nordstrom sent that lovely image to me this week in an effort to try and woo me to their website. Does anyone know what they’re doing there? Anybody? I’m lost.
            It makes me think how lovely and classic the use of color void is: black and white. It’s difficult to go wrong with black and white. No, I take that back. It is very easy to find yourself looking like an escaped convict from a Coen Brothers’ film with the wrong mix of contrasting colored prints. Played well, however, it can be fun or even unspeakably elegant. These colors also look good on everyone, except maybe Big Bird.
            I’m not interested in spending a lot of money on apparel right now, or even looking at things in that price range, so I don’t think we’ll be traversing the unspeakably elegant road. Tomorrow is also going to be a wicked snow stahm day here in New England so all I can even think about right now are pajamas, sweat pants, blankets, beer, and brownies. Fun and comfort it is!
Anchors away.
            Who doesn’t love a good graphic tee? I particularly like this one from All Saints. It is a bit steep at $68, however, the thing I LOVE about All Saints tees is that they are LONG. So for someone like myself, who is tall and can’t stand shirts that don’t come down over the top of my pants since I feel that they make me look like a hick from a not-classy trailer park (not all trailer parks are trashy, fyi) or a pregnant teenager, they are just the perfect match. And THIS ONE has an anchor on it. Anchors are cool. They are big and heavy and when they fall to the bottom of the ocean they grow barnacles, right? Barnacles. 
Hoodie Dress Nightgown?
            Longer than a tee…. Look at this. Does this look comfortable or what? A black and white striped hooded dress/tunic. I think you could wear this as a dress, or over leggings, or over jeans. $78 AND machine washable are both pretty reasonable for something from Anthropologie. I probably wouldn’t wear poo brown shoes with this like the model has been styled with. If you wanted fun you could pop a colored ballet flat in there, if you wanted more modest, black of course. It’s also gathered at the waist. That’s a big plus for all body types. If you want to accentuate the waist, it could be belted. 
These long stripes will make you
look long.
            Since I seem to be moving by length, I shall continue to an even longer dress. This is more of a washed out black and the designer is calling it “bark.” It meets the comfortable appearance requirement, but I also think it’s going to be a flattering, classy fit. It’s smartly constructed with a few horizontal panels, which, in theory, should keep the dress from hugging anything you’d like to hide. At $150 you’re paying for the name “Velvet by Graham & Spencer.” You’re also paying for something that was made in the United States and should be decent quality. I have yet to have a complaint about any item of Velvet apparel I have owned, except those of sadness from my wearing them out. 
I don't know why this girl is
wearing leather shorts.
            Then every girl should have some sort of black/white tweedy speckled Chanel like jacket in their wardrobe. Should is a great word. It’s sort of like a wish. I definitely do not have the aforementioned article. This blazer by Maison Scotch is nice because it really sits heavily in the grey zone. It has a very lady-like neckline, which is a treat in a blazer. $109.99 seems a reasonable price for a jacket, but I know nothing of this brand. I love jackets and hate shopping for them. If people were shaped like refrigerators, jackets would be easy to shop for. That seems to be how the inexpensive ones are fitted.
            I can’t end this entry without showing you the shoe that inspired it. This Alice & Olivia “Dina” pump wants to come home to live with me. I haven’t had it on my foot yet….but ooooh I know they’d look good.