There may come a time in your life when you ask yourself, “Am I too old to wear footed pajamas?” I would like to answer this question for you with an emphatic, “Yes.” Who doesn’t have fantastic memories of going to sleep in footed pajamas? There’s not a feeling in the world that matches that, “My feet are trapped in some sort of synthetic slipper induced perspiration meltdown.” The ease of being able to get into your entire pajama costume with one zip. That magnificent excitement of moving your arms under the blanket and seeing sparks. When it boils down to it, synthetic fabric and all – no matter how pink they may have been, these are just memories. I don’t think this experience would be as exciting the second time round.
First of all, thanks to the über-fears of today’s American parent, I don’t believe it’s possible to get any kind of garment that creates sparks under the sheets. Those are gone with the times, just like that awesome toxic chemical that came in a tube with a straw just so you could blow bubbles out of it. Second, a full frontal zipper poses much greater risk to a full grown adult than a child. Think about it. And really, the whole point of the footed pajama, that really bad for your skin plastic slipper that doesn’t breathe, can be better accomplished by simply putting on a pair of socks. Why do you need to zipper your whole body into a fake wool onesie, looking like a deranged, oversized Ralphie (from The Christmas Story) just to keep your feet warm?
I’m all for comfort in my bed. My reasoning behind putting a stiff financial backing behind anything involving sleep is that I spend one third of every day in my bed, hopefully sleeping. Being an insomniac, I am acutely aware of all of the things that may cause discomfort in the night. Wrinkles in the sheets. Sheets not lining up properly on the bed. A pillow that isn’t quite the right height. Having a hot fabric next to your face. Sheets that are constantly sliding off the bed. The wrong mattress. A comforter that isn’t the right weight. Pajama pants that ride up your ass when you roll over. A cold zipper touching your skin (I often wear hoodies over my pajamas. See…. Return Of The Hoodie Monster). Cold feet. Hot feet. Hot arms. Cold arms. Really, I could continue for another hour or so. The point is, there is no panacea for the ultimate sleep comfort situation. You might need to take your socks off in the middle of the night. You might need to put on a sweatshirt. You might decide to switch to shorts. You might have to get up and push the mattress back onto the bed and pull the flat sheet back down over the bottom of the mattress. NONE of these things can be solved by wearing footed pajamas. Pharmacotherapy would be much more effective on ALL accounts. Really… anyone who tries to take away my sleep medication will die a slow and painful death, in footed pajamas.
|Yeah, dude, nice pose.|
And this tool in his beer glass footies… Not just the appearance… they’re $50!!!!! ON SALE!!!! And only for two days… they go back up to $70!!!!!! My eyes are about popping out of their sockets. And I kind of want to barf a little.
Oh, and then there’s this gem below -
|Now, THAT's cute. He can come in my house any day.|
For the record, I do not think this is cute. So, do not be surprised to hear me laugh at you or simply refuse to open the door if you show up at my residence dressed in these. AND, don’t think you’re sneaking them in in a suitcase. I would HAPPILY throw you out in the snow. You’d be warm enough, right?