Friday, October 4, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: Could Y’all Please Stop Wearing Pattern Printed Pants?

These look an awful lot like an ugly tablecloth.
 If I were a bowl of fruit meant to sit in the middle of a table, I would be very confused. It should be easy to separate the tables from other objects and living beings. They have multiple legs and don’t move. Lately, however, there are a lot of really large asses walking around in busily patterned jeans and pants. Many of the pants are floral and look like tablecloths. How would I, the bowl of fruit, be able to discern which large space I was meant to rest on? Normally it could be a matter of what is moving and what is not, but with all of these ugly loud patterns in my face, I just feel dizzy, so, everything appears to be moving. It just isn’t right that we set out to confuse the fruit bowls.
Someone already
upchucked on these.
            What really isn’t right is that all of our eyes are being forced to look at these pants. I know, I know. I’m the one that’s always complaining about people NOT wearing pants. Really though, between things like buck-
ass naked Miley Cyrus and her tongue, the woman I saw at the outlet malls yesterday dressed in head to toe variants of the color celery, oh and the thong/cleavage visions during yesterday's weightlifting class, my eyes are HURTING. They simply CANNOT take anything else. That means that if I see another pair of Victorian-curtain-like floral skinny jeans on any person, I might throw up on their feet. You’ve been warned! Wear your galoshes if you plan to step out with a loud bum.
These are not the least bit offensive,
although they are a BIT on the tight side.
            This is not to say that all patterned pants are off limits. My friend
Beth and I discussed this. She actually refrained from buying some patterned pants because she thought I would scold her. (You grow up wanting to make a difference in the world – this is not the kind of difference I was expecting. I’ll take it though, for now). It turns out that same day I had to break down and tell her that I purchased a pair of patterned skinny pants. Now, the difference between the pants I bought, the pants Beth should have purchased (She doesn’t HAVE to take my advice. I’m really not that judgmental. In fact, she probably prevents me from purchasing somewhat outrageous impractical things more often than I she), and the
Looks like tweed.
I can handle this.
pants that everyone else is parading is the color contrast and busy-ness of print. I purchased some Helmut Lang white and ivory geometric pants. The pattern is subtle. It does not accent my hindquarters like the multi-colored horse in the Emerald City. Similarly acceptable patterns might be tiny dots, stripes, or perhaps an all over print that is made to look like a fabric, such as these Lafayette 148 cropped pants. This pattern isn’t so offensive because it looks like woven fabric. Of course, some images don’t
You don't even see the orchestra
at the knees. All I see are eyes.
belong on fabric – such as this photograph of a night at the ballet that made it’s way onto these Clover Canyon pants. All I can see are two giant eyeballs on two butt cheeks. You can’t make this stuff up.
            It doesn’t matter if you are small or large. Pants cover a pretty big percentage of your personal surface area. Filling it with busy, busy patterns is just going to make people sick. I don’t think anyone wants people to feel ill at the sight of them. So, I ask, not just as a selfish desire to not have to shake off encounters with particularly awful bottom choices, but for your own benefit! It is based in altruism. I do not want you to be thrown up on! What kind of person would I be if I encouraged behavior that would bring on such an awful circumstance? 
I swear every time I pick up
something that is WAY too loud,
it's Catherine Malandrino.

Ugly Pants Primer - a few questions you may ask yourself if you are uncertain if the pants you're considering will make people cross. If the answer is "yes" to any of the following, the pants are a "no."
Mattress or dentist office curtains? 
1. Do they contain more than one primary color? 
 2. Do they resemble any fabric you've seen on a mattress? They use some pretty sad floral fabric on mattresses....
They must be kidding with these....
it looks like she spilled Saag Paneer in her lap.
3. Do they draw unnecessary attention to your crotch?
I saw these at the Bloomingdales
outlet. Why oh why did Level 99
 make these???? 
4. Do they attempt to give you textured skin, like a snake, or an alligator perhaps?
5. Do you see people having to shake it off like the thought of a 400 pound man in a Speedo after they look at the pants?

Hope this was helpful!!!
WOW. Just. WOW. <shudder>

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