Friday, July 19, 2013

It's Fashion Friday!: Tom Binns Belongs In the Trash Bin

It’s hot. I’m cranky. I want to complain. I just don’t get Tom Binns. Yeah, okay, some of it’s kind of fun costume jewelry. It’s colorful like an elementary school kid’s clothes after an outing with some finger paint and sidewalk chalk, but am I supposed to take that seriously? They clearly want me to take it seriously with the price tags they’ve attached. It’s like the Pandora nightmare all over again, except magnified with toxic Spidey-Sense endowing chemicals. Take the collection called “Electro Clash Nova.” Clearly, this is not geared towards Grandma. This necklace above is bright and would certainly look most brilliant with a black dress, but you could probably play it down with some ridiculous Lilly Pulitzer number in coral or orange. Would you want to though? Really? After you found out it was $2550?
           Painted pearl necklace. $415. I’m sorry, you did what to a bunch of pearls? You painted them?
Why didn’t you paint some plastic beads? Pearls are natural beauties.
Granted, I am not a fan of the white ones myself. That doesn’t mean you have to PAINT them. And then things just start to get ridiculous. For $1615, you can add a bunch of safety pins and crap to your pearl necklace. I vaguely remember some goth chicks wearing safety pins when I was in high school. That was edgy. And it cost a lot less. THEY were cool. Lauren Comeau, I have no idea where you are in the world, but I'm talking about YOU. YOU were cool.
  Okay, what in the name of all that is
holy is THAT? From the Rokoco Dumont collection for $990. And, please learn to spell “rococo” properly. All you’ve  done, Tom Binns, is ripped off the name of a textile designer in Sydney Australia. In addition to that monstrosity there are three other collections that I would describe as attempts at jewelry for girls who want people to think they are edgy or bad girls. There’s Barricade Babe, which has a barbed wire theme, Last Laugh – sporting imitation shark teeth, and Nophobia – HIDEOUS spider jewelry. Oh hell, I have to show you one of
these necklaces.
           They have a gold nail cuff for $450, but you know what? Cartier did that already (in the 70's). AND BETTER. Sorry guys, you’re not only ripping off textile designers, you’re ripping off The King of Kings.

Really? Prices aside, you'd choose this? Instead of the one below?
Obvious winner.

I saw in the company description that Tom Binns got his inspiration from the Dada movement, but absolutely nothing about his jewelry even remotely makes me think of any piece of art I have seen, Dada or otherwise. It completely falls short on every front. And with those price tags, I don’t know why ANYONE would spend their money there.
           Dear Cartier, Van Cleef & Arpels, and Piranesi, if I EVER have any kind of expendable income for beautiful jewels and pretty things to adorn the lovely fingers, ears, and neck I am stuck with for eternity, I PROMISE you, I will not spend that money at Tom Binns. I will take the dollars directly to your gifted sales associates so that they may assist me in glittering myself the F up with diamonds and sapphires galore. Sincerely, SB. 

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