Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Chumpsfuhd's Annual Chair Chuck

Get rid of 'em.
           What kinds of things do you throw away at the end of June? Do you have a special “large item” trash day in your town? Or a special “toxic item” trash event? My town likes to get ready for the country’s birthday by having a “Trash your unwanted second rate patio furniture” event. See? Look at the pictures. People just throw their shit all over the side of the road. Although, I did see one toilet - I shit you not.
Those folding chairs just weren't good enough.
Are those dead bodies?

Some people are tidy with their trash.

Wow! Popular dumping spot. Right next to St. Mary's.

Who's the loser who left the blue chair?

Weird, huh? I wonder what the founding fathers would have thought of such reckless abandon in regard to chairs. Actually, we don’t have plastic chair trash day. It’s worse.
            In keeping with the patriotic traditions of many small towns, we have a parade on the 4th of July. I am told that when my parents moved here, they had elephants in the parade that year. The parade was also on my birthday that year (if the 4th is a Sunday, the parade is on the 5th – Blue Laws and all) and I, of course, thought the celebration was all for me. They don’t have elephants in the parade anymore. They have better! The local government dandies and cronies parade by with their smiles, under the impression that everyone loves them. There are antique cars. Local marching bands! Fire engines (that’s my favorite!) And sometimes we have floats. The floats are odd – they don’t actually float. It’s a truck bed – usually full of kids – that is decorated with paper products, representing some town organization. The people on the float seem to enjoy throwing candy at the people who watch the parade. They get bonus points if they hit a child in the eye. The year our town celebrated some centennial birthday (250? maybe?) they had inflatable things like at the Macy's parade! Some genius, however, neglected to think about all the power lines that run through the center of town. When parade time actually came, all of the floating balloon creatures had to be held very close to the ground so they didn't tangle with the wires. No one could really watch them. And this brings us to the chairs.
            The abandoned garbage you see on the streets of this tiny town is the townies reserving their spots to watch the parade. It used to be the chairs would start appearing the day before the parade. Then they started appearing on the 2nd of July. NOW, there are often chairs hanging out on the sidewalk in June. JUNE!!!! It’s Townie Lunacy.
            I can’t tell you what I dream of doing with the chairs. I think it would be fun to rearrange them: pick them up and put them down miles away from where they were originally left. I could just collect all of them and dump them in a big pile on the town common. My most recent idea is that I could cover them in honey so they could become snacks for the BEARS people have seen in town in the last couple of weeks. I could paint them different colors to create confusion. The opportunities are endless.
And, the best part, is it wouldn’t be illegal! It’s all abandoned property! Nutballs

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