You and I, however, WE can help to prevent this disturbing end by practicing safe sitting. Obviously, none of us want to share the seat surfaces with these dirty, tasteless tramps. (When I use the term tramps, I don’t just mean ladies. I definitely saw a man in tight pink hot shorts and a tutu strutting his stuff for all of Chelsea a few weeks ago when I visited my friend Miran in NYC). Yet, we should not have to do something so uncomfortable as sitting on a plastic bag. I recommend that we all start carrying around something akin to a cotton placemat. A foldable seat cover that we can put in the wash – with something as close to a caustic chemical as possible. It would serve to protect us from their germs, and it would also be reusable and easy to transport.
|something like this.. maybe in a disposable tyvek|
I also recommend that transit associations create some sort of Seat Police Commission. They could have a team of people who monitor the subways and buses for people who seem to think it’s okay to share their ass germs with the world. Anyone found in violation could be handed a set of disposable XXL size grannie drawers to pull over their inadequately covering bottom ensemble for the remainder of their ride. And when I say grannie drawers, I don't mean largely sized, I mean BADLY SHAPED - those ones you see and wonder how they could possibly work because they're a normal width, but they look like they'd cover an entire torso. This could also be employed in restaurants and other public places like libraries. It would serve as prevention as well. Humiliation combined with superficiality is a powerful tool.
We also need to join together and commit to audibly humiliating these people until they get that it’s just not appropriate to put their bum out there for everyone to be forced to touch second hand. Not by whistling, not by saying anything that could be misconstrued as a compliment. It needs to be an obvious jab. I recommend the following phrases to be shouted as loudly as possible: “Your ass is hanging out!” “Gross, get your butt germs off of my chair!” “You had better have a diaper on under that dress because I just ran out of wet wipes.” We can do it. Let’s put an end to gratuitous butts.