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| None for me thanks. |
It’s really quite remarkable just how many retailers,
magazines, and websites have all the answers about what you should buy for your
loved ones (And unloved ones - who doesn’t love those people you feel obligated
to get gifts for? It’s worse than paying taxes). They have catalogs and lists
of “The Perfect Gifts!” “The Chic-est Gifts,” “The Ultimate Holiday Gift
Guide,” etc. I never cease to be amazed at what an impersonal collection of
semi-useless crap is collected and pushed at the buying public. I have some
news for y’all, the thought doesn’t count if you didn’t put any thought into
the gift!
It’s one thing if you’re trying to
send a message. You really don’t like someone, but for whatever reason you are
obligated to get them a present. Let’s say it’s your boss or your mother-in-law.
This is a great time to take advantage of that passive aggressive quality
you’ve been trying so hard to get rid of. Think about things these people
really don’t like. Perhaps your boss is allergic to nuts but loves chocolate.
Maybe your mother-in-law has a ruddy complexion and despises the color yellow.
It doesn’t get much easier – your boss will be receiving a lovely gift set of
Swiss chocolate covered almonds and ol’ not-your-mom an ever so soft cashmere
sweater in the color of mustard. The key to making passive aggressive really
work for you in this situation is to give something that the person would
really want. You then juxtapose that thing with something that completely ruins
it for them.
Passive aggressive gift giving is
usually not a first course of action. That kind of hatred usually bubbles from
years of mistreatment (or a very concentrated dose of horrific experience in a
short time). I find that I want to send gifts like this to people who I once
gave lovely gifts to, who didn’t return the favor. There are a lot of
thoughtless people out there. (Those would be the masses targeted by all of
these lists I keep encountering.) I must say there is not much more frustrating
than spending the time making a lovely gift for someone or picking out
something you think they will really enjoy and mailing it off only to receive
in the mail the next day a box of shrinkwrapped meat. Not the kind you would want to
bring home from a European vacation and hide from customs. It would more be the
kind you would buy from your child who was selling stuff to raise money for the
PTO and then feed to the raccoons as soon as you took it out of the packaging
and realized it was inedible. Nothing says, “Happy Holidays!” like a box of
prepackaged, nitrate filled pork and beef. Especially when you don’t eat meat. Or
are Jewish. Or Muslim. So thoughtful.
Maybe the issue for some is that
they just don’t know how to transfer their knowledge of someone into a gift.
They want to buy a thoughtful present, but they are stumped. Thoughtful gift
giving is not something to be afraid of. Let’s take me for example. You want to
buy me a present, but you’re not sure what to get. And I won’t tell you, of
course, because I’m one of those frustrating people who love surprises. Start
by brain storming things you know about me. I believe that each broad concept
can lead to multiple gift ideas. I LIVE AT HOME. Okay, so I live with my
parents. How easy does this get? You can go the gift certificate route. While
somewhat impersonal, it can be a nice way to say, “I’m not sure exactly what you
want, but I’m pretty sure you can find it here.” I don’t think that my
psychiatrist or therapist offers gift cards. Liquor stores, however, do. I’m
sure. So does the Walgreens Pharmacy. As does Bliss Spa in Boston, where they
have some nice relaxing treatments that allow me to forget that I exist in a
world outside of the spa.
So, now you’ve come up with several places where
gifts can be purchased. If you want to be more personal, go to the place to
pick out a gift. As much as it might be entertaining for you to go and pick out
some things for me behind the pharmacy counter, I’m guessing that’s not the
best idea. Additionally, you might get arrested. The liquor store has lots of
safer options. If you know what I like to drink, you could get me something
you’ve seen me enjoy. If you want to broaden my horizons, you can get me
something that you like and you think I might. You could take this out of the
box and go somewhere to get an alcohol-related present, such as a cocktail
recipe book, or some glassware for the particular beers that I drink. If you
want to take this one step further (and you’re certain I like spending time
with you), you add yourself into the gift. Instead of just buying me liquor to
drink by myself, purchase something for us to share. OR take me out to dinner
somewhere that I will get to leave my house and we can also consume plenty of
fine wine. It’s like a gift giving flow chart from unspecific to specific.
I happen to consider myself quite
easy to buy for, especially if you’ve been reading my blog. I like fire scented
candles, cashmere, and high quality bedding. I also quite enjoy Chanel nail
polish, diamonds, and shoes. To make
things simple for you, I have compiled a list of things that you can choose
from to buy me Christmas presents this year. They range in price from very
affordable to ridiculous. You can choose based on how much you love me.
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| $5-25 Options |
*For $6-10 Philips 100 Ct Mini String Lights Multi color or White, Twinkle or Not. NO LED - because I can always find somewhere for more Christmas lights
*For $12 Caudalie Lip Conditioner
*For $16 Gift card to NE Yoga for 1 Ashtanga class
*For $15-25 Belgian beer – I like Grimbergen and the price has recently gone up to $16 for a six pack. You could also get me a gift card to Harrington’s Liquor store.
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| $26-350 Options |
*For $39.50 Pottery Barn’s Fireside Leather Scented Candle
*For $50 Johnstons of Elgin Cashmere Fingerless Mittens
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| $359+ Options |
*For $400-1000 Lufthansa tickets to Munich or Zurich
*For $1000-15000 Diamonds –Tiffany & Co. has a lovely selection. You really can’t go wrong. Nothing yellow, please. The $4500 starfish earrings I have pictured - I'm pretty sure my friend Beth is buying those for me for Christmas. She laughed at me when I sent her an email suggesting them, but I know that was just to throw me off track so I'd be surprised when I opened the box.
*For $15000+ Lyon & Healy harp. I would prefer a Style 11, but as they are quite expensive, I’ll settle for anything with 7 pedals and 47 strings, as my practice break is going into its 7th year.
*For $50,000+ Become my Benefactor. This is really a unique opportunity, a bit like adopting an endangered animal. I will send you a framed picture of myself and a certificate of thanks. I will also send you a yearly letter about how I have chosen to spend your money.
If you put any thought at all into
the gift you give, it is obvious to the gifted (provided they don’t suck as a
human being). And that’s the whole point isn’t it? To show the people you adore
that you appreciate them. And for those people who you intentionally buy
horrible gifts for, they’re getting a lot of thought put into their gifts as
well. It’s magnanimous that you even think of such nasty elves at all. Good luck
with the gifting.
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