Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Congressional Cage Fighting: Coming to a Capitol Building Near You

While watching the extremely stressful series of “Celtics vs. Heat June 2012,” I kept seeing advertisements for the boxing match between Congressman Manny Pacquiao and Timothy Bradley. I continuously chuckled at every ad, finding the idea of a boxing government official about as absurd as a vampire slaying Abe Lincoln. And then it hit me – wouldn’t it be amazing if any person could challenge any congressman to a nationally televised boxing match????? Imagine the implications! Screw holding these people responsible for their votes in reelection campaigns. Let’s get down and dirty and threaten to sucker punch them if they make stupid decisions.
             “I, Sarah Botham, challenge YOU, Senator McCain to a fist fight in Lowell – (hopefully with Micky Ward coming to watch or even referee) in regards to your threatening American civil liberties with that 2012 National Defense Authorization Act.” I’m not sure what the winner gets yet. I haven’t really thought it out that thoroughly. I think money would probably be the best prize, since a repeal of a law that affected an entire nation based on the outcome of a fight could probably be refought until every American had at least a black eye and a broken rib. And after all, I think our government representatives for the most part prize money over anything else. We should hit them where it hurts. In the nuts and their bank accounts.

I think next, “Deval Patrick, you idiot governor you, I’m going to give you a black eye for even SUGGESTING that the tax exemption on soda and candy be repealed.” I’m not fat. I’m in great shape. I shouldn’t be punished for wanting to drink Coca Cola and eat peanut M&Ms. That’s an average afternoon snack for me. I could take him! 145 pounds of wiry fury right in the kisser. He’d be down in two punches. Screw you, Massachusetts. Let’s knock it out in the ring. If I win, you can keep your proposed tax and give me the money to pay it!
Now I realize that this is not a revolutionary concept by any means. I see it as the modern day equivalent of jousting and dueling. Instead of fighting over the rights to a woman, we are throwing ourselves into the ring to prove a point. To say, “You know what? You’re supposed to represent me. And, you’re doing a shitty job.” Think of the money people would save on therapists and anger management if they could take it out on their government officials. I imagine we’d all get a lot stronger and leaner as well, boxing is a lot of work.
Potential for violent results really would bring accountability. It would be a bit like a mob rule. I’ve been fascinated with the mob for as long as I can remember. I think it comes from growing up in Massachusetts, where “Where’s Whitey?” was more popular than “Where’s Waldo?” On several occasions I have suggested to people, that we would be better served by a government run by organized crime. See the amazing thing about organized crime is that it’s “ORGANIZED.” If you’re not doing things you shouldn’t be doing, the mob is not going to come after you. And how is giving your local mob faction a cut of your profits any different than paying taxes? At least with the mob you know what you’re getting. They make no pretense about operating in a peaceful, truthful manner. It’s the complete opposite of today’s government - a collection of assholes who want you to believe that they have your interests at heart, while remaining pacifists, and always telling the truth. HA! Right. We all know better. At least, I hope you know better.
In reality, I lean closer and closer to becoming an anarchist every day. I am frightened by what is going on in the world, afar and at home. In general I would say that violence is never an appropriate answer, but you have to admit, watching your 85 year old next door neighbor Doris beat the shit out of Nancy Pelosi would be quite entertaining.

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