Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I'll Take "Up My Butt" for $500, Alex!!!

            One of the greatest swindles of the modern day is surely the underwear industry. You get less fabric per penny than you do with any other article of clothing. Why does underwear cost so much? It makes absolutely no sense. By the cost of some underwear, one would think it was self-cleaning, or covered in diamonds, or made of a special fabric that will allow you to levitate at the push of a button. Yet, I have never encountered any of those special features when purchasing undergarments.
These cost $140 at Agent Provocateur.
Why? Anybody? What am I Missing?
            I happen to be in the lucky spot right now where I don’t actually need to buy any new underwear. During my time at university, one of my girlfriends introduced me to one of the best procrastination techniques ever. If you had to do laundry and you either didn’t feel like it, or didn’t have time, the solution was simply to go and buy more underwear. I recall this friend having a giant Tupperware shelving unit FULL of underwear. I carried this technique well past college and into current day. After a fall cleaning spree leading to the discovery of more than 50 pairs of underwear, I have put a temporary moratorium on purchases of this kind. And thank goodness! I can’t afford to buy more!
            I’m sure that if you want Grannie’s drawers you’ll pay a little bit less. I don’t, however. They don’t really work well with any kind of low-rise bottoms. They also would not help me to continue denying my elevation in years on the planet. There’s always the option of shopping the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Except, not really. When stores have large sales, it is often quite apparent why certain things got lumped into the sale category. VS is no exception. In my experience, the kind of underwear that is offered during this sale is not something you could even wear with clothes on. Bejeweled charms, seams up the ass, oddly placed holes… none of these things really make for comfort. And it is a certain fact that wearing uncomfortable underwear can ruin your entire day.
            I spend an awful lot of time at the gym. This allows me to rationalize any and all purchases of workout wear from places like Lucy, Lululemon, and Nordstrom. (I realize you may be judging me right now for not buying such things at Target and TJMaxx, but these places often don’t have apparel for long torsos and I don’t like my belly button hanging out. Sorry.) I have noticed that Lululemon offers their own brand of underwear. Am I supposed to wear special underwear when I go to the gym? And if so, wouldn’t you think it would be appropriately priced to allow me to buy enough? Sometimes I go to the gym twice a day so I’d need at least 10 pairs of magic exercise knickers. This special underwear at Lululemon costs as much as….. wait for it…… $18 a pair!!!! You have got to be kidding. Again, I had better be seeing diamonds or fireworks for that price.      
            The real rip-off is for the girls who are outfitting themselves in strategically placed dental floss. Logic would lead one to believe that these would be the cheapest way to go. It seems that the smaller the article becomes, the more it costs. And let me tell you, you are definitely not paying more for comfort! What’s a girl to do? Does men’s underwear cost this much? I have come to think that $10 for one pair of ladies’ boy shorts out of a suitable breathing mesh fabric is reasonable. “Hanky Panky”s, while extraordinarily comfortable, are $20+ a pair. And upon researching some other prices, I discovered a La Perla “luxury thong” for $43. What the hell is a “luxury thong?!” The world has truly gone mad. There are people starving in Africa while women spend hundreds of dollars on drawers that hardly anyone sees. At least hardly anyone SHOULD see them if you’re not a stripper. I knew a girl back in Indiana who always had a bubble of her undies sticking out of the top of her pants. It was really unattractive, and I’m not sure what she was doing wrong to make that happen. I suppose this would also be an appropriate time to mention that I don’t want to see anyone’s thong out the top of her pants. I’m sure you want me to see it since you paid so much for it, but no thanks. I’m all set. Unless, of course, you’ve figured out a way for your thong to show me network television while I walk behind you. That I’d be interested in seeing.

No comments:

Post a Comment