Hey, look! I found Grandma’s full body Spanx for sale while I was looking for pretty clothes. Actually, I’m joking. That’s a dress. Would I lie to you? One of Hervé Léger’s “iconic” bandage dresses. In the hue of rich white woman. On sale at theoutnet.com (Net-A-Porter’s online outlet) for $598. Originally $1450. No you may not have a link to it, I refuse to support that in any way. Why would anyone pay that much to cover themselves in monochromatic horizontal stripes?
The bandage dress was born in the 80s. It was a rough time for fashion. Very few things from this decade deserved to be resurrected. We have already visited my infatuation with jelly shoes. Fluorescent colors are debatable. I’m over them, except for workout-wear (it makes beating yourself to a pulp so much more palatable), but I understand that for people born in the 90s and later that novelty was missed. Is there anything else? High waisted pants? No. White washed jeans? No. Oversized t-shirts tied in a side knot? Definitely not. And then we have the bandage dress.
NO ONE looks good in these dresses. The press praises this fashion choice because someone told them they were supposed to like it, no doubt. Due to copyright restrictions, I cannot provide these pictures directly. If you press HERE, you can open a photo from Us Weekly of J-Lo in a dress that looks like it was made with a pasta machine. I don’t know why anyone would think that was attractive. And HERE, Blake Lively, dearie, what were you thinking allowing anyone to put you in that? I know the website says you look good, but you don’t! You look much larger than you are. And your crotch is almost hanging out. My conclusion, bandage dresses only look good on Lolita. And if you are a parent who would actually allow their teenage daughter to leave the house in something like this, you should be arrested for child endangerment.
If you are over 18 and your parents can’t keep you from committing this horrific error in judgment, I assure you that you will get attention. Not all attention is good attention. I guarantee you the teenage boys in your neighborhood will burn the image of you in this dress into their brains for years to come. And if the thought of that excites you, we have even bigger problems than I originally thought. I can recommend a great psychiatrist.
This is not to say that all form-fitting dresses are a no no. Form-fitting dresses, when tailored properly, can be stunning. I am not encouraging wearing potato sacks instead of bandage dresses. I would just appreciate my dresses to be made of high quality textiles, not things you find in a hospital. And an hourglass is a beautiful shape. Tell me though, when was the last time you saw an hourglass with ripples in the bottom? Yeah, I hear you saying that’s what Spanx are for, but, honey, they can only do so much. This McQ Alexander McQueen dress would be much prettier than a bandage dress. And it’s still going to hug your curves without making you look like an exploding sausage. Too expensive? You mustn’t buy knockoff bandage dresses from French Connection, or even for $30 at Forever 21, just because they are cheaper! They are STILL UGLY! Susana Monaco makes lovely form-fitting jersey dresses for a more acceptable price tag.
If you have gotten this far and are still insistent on squeezing yourself into a tube of expensive stretchy wound coverings you might as well just buy this one. It’s at netaporter.com (Find it yourself). For $2300 you can look like Native American Barbie and bury our hearts at Wounded Knee. While you’re at it, you should probably bury my eyeballs and gag reflex as well.